Not Again
by NinthFeather
Summary: After deciding to leave ZAFT, Athrun wonders if he's an idiot. GSD oneshot. Slight AthrunXCagalli.


_A/N: I really should be working on my thesis paper, reading my Journalism & Mass Media textbook, or studying for my Spanish quiz. However, a random Gundam Seed Destiny oneshot appeared in my head and demanded to be written. This takes place during Episode 36, "Athrun on the Run," while Meer is telling Athrun about the plan to frame him for treason, and contains spoilers up to that point. The whole thing is Athrun's internal dialogue, and the italicized parts are thoughts. To those of you who are waiting on the other fics, blame my professors. College is hard. Sorry for the whining, I'll get on with the fic. Enjoy!_

Not Again

When Meer Campbell told Athrun about the Chairman and Rey's plan to frame him as a traitor, all he could think was, _Not again._

He wasn't thinking about being framed as a traitor. That was a new one. Last time he'd been called a traitor, it had been true, at least in a technical sense.

That Durandal was involved certainly hurt him, and surprised him to some degree. And yet, he had seen the ruthlessness that formed the dark side of the Chairman's commitment to his goals before, when he'd ordered the _Minerva_ to shoot down the _Archangel_. And, if Kira had told the truth, the Chairman had been willing to kill Lacus to achieve his goals, too. That he was willing to eliminate Athrun in the pursuit of his ideal future wasn't really a surprise.

That Rey was in on it was even less of a surprise. He liked the guy, and respected him as a pilot, but only an idiot would actually trust ZaBurel. He was too secretive, and too cold. There were only a few people he seemed to care about in the least. Athrun had been aware from the start that he was not on that list.

No, none of that was what was bothering Athrun. Another question occupied his thoughts.

He asked himself, _How did it happen again? The politician who makes glowing speeches, the unethical orders, having to fight against Kira…you'd think all of that would have tipped me off. _

Of course, none of it had. So Athrun Zala was left with the question, _How did I end up on the wrong side again? _

Well, "wrong" was perhaps a stronger word than he was looking for. Durandal was trying to end war, even if his methods were somewhat questionable. And Athrun certainly understood Shinn's commitment to Durandal's ideals. Rey seemed to believe in them, too, and so did Lunamaria, although he wasn't as sure he understood why in their cases. So, not the wrong side. But what did he call it, then? The side of the possibly insane politician? The side that wanted to kill his friends? Come to think of it, who the heck cared what it was called?

The other question Athrun asked himself was, _Am I an idiot? _

Almost reflexively, Athrun answered that one with a "no." He was a Coordinator. His genes had been manipulated to make him more intelligent. He was no idiot.

But, if he wasn't an idiot, then how had all of this happened? The first Bloody Valentine War was one thing. Of course he'd sided with the PLANTs; the Chairman had been his father, and his mother had died in the attack on Junius Seven. He hadn't had a reason to care about Naturals; all of his friends had been Coordinators like him.

This time, though, he didn't really have an excuse. Until the war started, he'd been on Orb with Cagalli, a Natural who also happened to be the girl he wanted to marry. And yet, one terrorist attack and he completely abandoned her, enlisting in ZAFT, as if he'd learned nothing from the last time he'd fought with them.

And then, Kira and the _Archangel _got involved, and he was fighting against his best friend again. And yet, he stayed with ZAFT. His fellow pilots included Shinn, a former refugee with anger issues and a grudge against Orb, Rey, who stretched the definition of "stoic" as far as it could possibly go, and Lunamaria, who spent all of her free time hitting on him. And yet, he stayed with ZAFT. Cagalli showed up in the Strike Rouge during one of the battles, pleaded repeatedly for the fighting to stop, and then started bawling when it didn't. And he still stayed with ZAFT. Shinn took down Kira in the Freedom, presumably killing him, and didn't even seem to regret it. And still, Athrun stayed with ZAFT.

Not that Athrun believed that Kira was dead. He had to be alive, so that next time there was a war, Athrun could just let him choose which side they were both going to be on. Maybe that way they could avoid nearly killing one another _again_.

How naïve, scatterbrained Kira, who, even after fighting in the Bloody Valentine War, retained an innocence that was almost childlike at times, could have better judgment about choosing sides than Athrun escaped the blue-haired Coordinator. He'd never even been trained as a soldier, like Athrun had. He had just been in the wrong place in the wrong time, and had gotten dragged into the war—_quite literally, actually_, Athrun throught, remembering the sight of Ms. Merue dragging Kira into the cockpit of the Strike, all the while firing a round of bullets at Athrun.

Which brought him back to the subject of whether Kira was alive. He was sure he still was. Athrun and Kira had a connection. You couldn't be such close friends and such bitter enemies without one. If Kira was gone, he would feel it, he was sure.

But if he was wrong and Kira was dead, he was going to kill—okay, he wasn't going to kill Shinn, if only out of respect for Cagalli and her feelings about revenge. Kira was, _is, he is,_ her brother, after all. But beating the snarky little upstart to a pulp was not out of the question.

But he couldn't stop wondering how he had ended up in this situation again! He was embarrassed to admit it, but part of it was probably that he felt restless on Orb. He was a soldier in a country that refused to fight. How pathetic could he get? He hated war, but he didn't know what to do with himself when he wasn't fighting. Not to mention, he had just felt so useless. Cagalli was facing all of these political problems, all of the infighting and backstabbing that a Chief Representative had to deal with, and he couldn't do a thing. He had just wanted to help, to stop the war. And so he'd gone to the PLANTs, thinking that he could stop the fighting somehow.

That was when he spoke with Durandal. He felt so stupid for it now, but he'd been caught in the Chairman's rhetoric. The idea of a world without war…it was so beautiful that Athrun wanted to believe in it. His family had been destroyed by the last war. Sometimes he thought he'd been destroyed by it, too. He wanted to believe there was a way to avoid all of that happening again.

He had nightmares sometimes. Of Representative Atha's death two years ago, only this time Cagalli was with him. Of Kira dying in battle, by Rey's hand, or Shinn's, or his own. Of Lacus, getting shot as some sort of political statement.

If there was no more war, none of that could happen. He should have known that Durandal's dream was the kind that required sacrifices. Sacrifices that weren't Athrun's to make. But he'd wanted so badly to believe! And now he was paying for his stupidity.

So was Cagalli. He hoped to heaven that she could forgive him. He'd been an idiot, and he'd hurt him. He'd be grateful if she was even willing to talk to him, idiot that he was.

He ran a hand through his hair. It was time to get out of here. He needed to find the _Archangel_, to find out if Kira was okay, to apologize to Cagalli.

Before he started gathering his things, he made a promise. To himself, to Kira, to Cagalli, to Lacus, to Nicol and Hiene, to everyone else who'd gotten dragged into these danged wars.

_I will end this, and I will not let it happen again._


End file.
